Autumn 2014

32.

In Between Scenarios

 

I am surrounded by verbal 'failures'. Almost every day I hear that I am not going to make it. Almost every day somebody has an intention to let my hopes down in some way.

I did not get Legal Secretary position- the very first interview for a job that I attended. 'You have lost a battle'- told me not very optimistic friend of mine. A battle? Didn't exactly felt like a 'battle' to me. Why do we use this kind of words and expressions, sometimes I wonder? 'No, I didn't'- I said- 'you cannot loose something you never had'. Why are we looking for a reason to fail??

'You have lost an opportunity'- he rephrases then, I smile. I didn't loose the opportunity either, I used it! 'Every opportunity lost is an opportunity found' besides that, no? I was a second candidate out of twenty to get this role, those solicitors said. They just chose someone with more experience and I completely understand and respect that!

Maybe I am applying for the positions which are beyond my reach, sometimes I think that too. But as long I do believe I am able for them, I will. I will try until I'll get an understanding that I bite too wide. But for today I have a different one, so I keep going.

 

'It is not going to happen, come back to Galway, you had it all'- I listen to another lecture educative, thinking proud to be like Don Quixote, imagining making it... But once again, to 'make it' maybe has a different meaning to all of us, ha? And is 'making it' not a prelude to 'made it'? Since when 'I am trying' started not to make sense anymore? Is it since the time we stopped trying?

 

Anyway, I cannot afford thinking this way nowadays. And I cannot take on board someone's projected failures right now. I have enough opportunities lost to be found for today. And enough gains to focus on too. Every day is a different challenging day. But I overcome every day. Because I am starting to find beauty in boundaries, delicate balance in chaos and patience for oppressive stillness, nuggets of trust and all those beautiful things which never were on my map...

So every day I learn better to swim. And some days I even get hungry for more. I watch myself wondering through hidden streets, rented rooms, tearful air and all those joyful moments which sparkle in gold; looking to find things which are made from 'Believe' and 'Try'. And I do...

'... hungry for this and this and this your living kiss...' hehehe (C.A. Duffy)


'We are all capable of greatness, however, it is only our deepest hidden fears that keep us from stepping into it. Remove the fears and with a little tenacity, greatness simply happens. We are powerful beyond measure, but we play small in habitual ways because we have not yet examined the contents of our own mind and removed the weeds which do not belong there.'  (www.thehealersjournal.com)

 

Briga Saulė, 2009

Briga Saulė, 2009

by Brigita Stasun