Autumn 2014

11.

It is this kind of day when your heart cries. This kind of day, when you do not want to get out of bed at all. When you pray to close your eyes and get back into the world of dreams, where everything shines in fluorescent lights, flowers has eyes and birds sing their songs in Thai...

It is this kind of day when you feel worthless. Not lovable, how sad. Worthless crawls under your skin and slowly brings your mind back to 'you failed'- once again. Of course your Soul tells you different tales, but today you do not want to listen to them, you do not want to believe or live them no more. You feel that it failed you as well; you sink deeper into a pillow, pull a blanket over your head feeling worthless, being part of wet autumn's day...

On the days like this I think why have I started all this in a first place? Why have I decided to listen to the voice which talks me inside? Why have I made a decision to leave that man who loved me so much that he was ready to sacrifice it all to build a dream that I wanted, that time? I would have my home now, a dog and maybe, a child. I would probably work in a factory still and I doubt I would write. But I would be held on wet days that lands time from time, even that I know very well he'd never understand why I cry...

So what is more important in life, today I ask myself question again. I came through so much darkness which I managed to transform into light, got better human, but I still have nothing much in my hand. Look at me- under the covers on a wet pillow on Sunday midday... So lonely, so hopeless, so useless in unknown city, street, house... worthless... unloved... sugar, why have you started all this in a first place??

 

'Sometimes it feels like things are turning all the way backwards, you know'- here I sob- 'like this evolving Universe of mine starts devolving, folding back into the dark from which it came...'

'When the heart is crying, I believe, it is a good thing'- always is gentle my friend- 'it cleans up the way for new beautiful feelings to come, please, stop to exaggerate...'

I would agree with that on a regular day. But not right now, not today. Today with worthless I am left to stay. It's been long ago that I felt this way. It's been long ago since my last wet pillow day...

 

'Why can't we just love each other'- hugging you rhetorical question I ask. 'I wish it would be that simple'- you talk like my voice from inside. This very moment our Souls kiss again. I feel the power of honesty ways... I am grateful so much and so I stay faithful to it. I stay faithful to Love. And to you. And tomorrow I will to myself, again, too...

 


'Surrendering is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything, even when you cannot foresee the outcome.'  (Deepak Chopra)

 

'Hope is a simple reminder that momentary sorrow is a prelude to lasting joy.'

 

in Cork . Briga Saulė, 2014

in Cork. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun