Summer 2014

45.

Old school funk stimulations and a postcard from the edge of Cork

 

Triskel is playing records tonight. Music not known but familiar. I am playing glass of French wine and curiosity blind. Lady DJ's and everybody is dancing mad. Very retro with psychedelic infuse. Robot moves in golden shoes...

Art brushed, wine charmed, music powdered. I am disappearing of the radar into the city of aliens to become famous... hehehe

 

Hope you in love too!

 

Aliens . Briga Saulė, 2014

Aliens. Briga Saulė, 2014


The minute You leave, I start writing love letters... I fold your clothes still feeling your breath... I leave my pearls under the pillow for you to recall the memories of unexpected lurch in our hearts; where Souls kiss and takes us by surprise into a place beyond the space, beyond the rainbows, lets us fly...This is a place where no dies and maybe comes alive...

'It's not for you I waited all my life'- we loudly verbalise, well, me, I guess, again I lie... But you don't hear me, you untie my golden sandals after night in town and kiss my feet...- 'you must be tired, b, come here, look at me...' I barely hold my look, because I see your Soul. It shines at me and takes away my weapons of defence. It whispers gently- 'the waitings over, sugar, walk down accepting lane...'

Oh, I don't know, but let's not think for now. Just look around and bless this moment- let in potential for growth... you wise old Soul you, Love you hold...

 

So much kindness in me. So less I don't know's...

 


After two days of unsuccessful search for a place to live in Cork, just two hours before my bus leaving for Galway, I get to rent large double room with two big windows, its own separate kitchen and bathroom; two minutes away from the city centre charms- for four hundred euro a month, ha!

UNIVERSE LOVES US WITH NO END AND NO BEGINNING.

 

 

I sit on the stairs of art centre watching young mother looking at her baby... Love radiates its highest, golden leaves are starting to fall... Little boy, age I'd say nine, pulls out his violin and starts to play it. We all around amazed by the heavenly moment that beauty creates...

Sunny Saturday afternoon in my new home- Republic of Cork, hehehe

 

Cork . Briga Saulė, 2014

Cork. Briga Saulė, 2014

 

Hello kiss us the Fall!

by Brigita Stasun

44.

'Excuse me, are you a model?'- asks me an elderly man on a bus to Cork. I am amused by the compliment such unexpected- I guess my golden sandals makes me one then, hehe


After rainy day in the West, beautiful evening sunshine greets me in the South...


Are you calm when you waiting? Strangely, I am. Have I learned to wait or have I learned to trust? Or have I learned both in the end?

 

At the wide sea

Figure silenced

You are here to be

Waiting nourished

 

You are here to expand

Far from relative 'normal'

Holy Ghost on a screen, please

show me VACANT

and I'll do it, I promise...

 

I pray with every breath and every step towards.


Cork is a city of coffee to me. On every corner at any time if you wish. During you tripping through arts, during you shop, during your fountain stops, while you are waiting for something to happen and so on. Through the café's window I see homeless man familiar face. Homeless man from Galway, ha! The one which sells paintings! I greet him and we both start to laugh, he does remember me, you know... We chat about painting techniques (!) influences of what stimulates imagination and what is 'normal' in arts. We ask each other about next place of our destination- he leaves for Kerry in two days... And I go back to Galway, with return ticket- for the last time...

Looks like Galway Souls will follow me, I smile how they cannot! Fourteen years were a lot!!

 

 

The feel of you is amazing.

The new me is transforming and captivating. 

The Sun is calling. Her charms adoring!

Vibrant city hosting. There is no boring.

The new I glory.

Give me your hand and follow!

 

Somebody's Cork . Briga Saulė, 2014

Somebody's Cork. Briga Saulė, 2014


by Brigita Stasun

43.

Just a passing by tea with happiness, to turn familiar into most gorgeous memories of my favourite streets of old Galway... Wind charms tickles my ear in a café's garden, gentle sunshine kisses my cheeks and invites all the colours to join us...

How precious is tea with happiness!

 

Catch!  Briga Saulė, 2014

Catch! Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

42.

This man came into my life to test my faith. I came into his life to test his.

We discussed our beliefs, on some of them we agreed, on some we did not. Religion and Spirituality are linked close together, always tells me Madam. Yes, I see it clearly.

Our meetings and discussions was enormous value to me. It gave me a huge insights in how we perceive the information and how we dream. It gave me a sense of how big Universe really is to accommodate all those different realities of ours. I understood the concept of religion too, I believe. Basically, I see it as a story line. Based on real people and true facts, documented and preached through perspective of those who worked and still works on it. For us to make a decision do we want to believe the story presented and how deep. Spirituality is a religion in a way, too. With its own story line. Summarised by those, forever watching the stars, Sun and Moon; Earth and People. Another option for your choice...

It is approximately two thousand four hundred religions on Earth. Two thousand four hundred choices, imagine... And I believe that pretty much all of them are build on the same principal eternal- Love. They are different, of course, but all offer Love as final destination- the Salvation. There is no religion better or worse than the other. They all talk Love, with slight variations of how to get there. How to reach God. Because God is one and that is LOVE. 

'For the Love to be you be free'- Christianity acknowledges this fact too. I, as representative of humanistic school of thought this lifetime, understand this as free choice that we, humans, been granted- to choose our road to the source. God loves us so much, that he allows us to believe anything- as long as we discover, see, hear, smell, touch, talk, live and learn Love- we on the 'right' road- through whatever story line is closest to your heart...

 

This man brought Love into my life. With guilt and fear attached, of course. But I accept only the first part. And I hope he understands and respects my choice. I know what works for me best and so I stay with it. I let him to challenge my faith, but I would not let him to change it. I hope he will accept me to differ. I hope we love each other never less...

 

 

Religion is one of the most private and heavy topics to discuss. 

 


Jesus said 'I have come that you may have life and have it to the full'  (John 10:10)

 

Greet the Fall . Briga Saulė, 2012

Greet the Fall. Briga Saulė, 2012

by Brigita Stasun

41.

'You allow yourself too many pleasures'- tells me somebody I use to know...- 'you are off the road'- we talking big words here.

... the pleasures he refuses to define... My search for Truth, my self-actualization, my arty expression, my desire for adventures and learning, my decision to follow the dreams and even my new golden sandals that I always wanted and which Universe gave it to me as a gift for good luck eventually (for four euro fifty)- he overshadows with vanity... Oh.

'You are so vain to believe you are God!'- he raises his voice- 'you phew God straight into face here! You are going to burn in hell'- he states.

 

I sense his enormous guilt. I vividly feel his fear...

 

'Describe for me hell, please'- I ask.

'You don't know what the hell is?'- his lower lip starts shivering...- 'it is where devil locks you on the chains... and disembowels you...'

'What?'- I am shocked!

'... and then sets you on fire... and you burn... alive...'- he continues the fear factor and my jaw drops down to my heels...

 

'Where did you get this picture from?'- I wonder.

'It is written in the Bible!'- he shouts.

'Show me where'- I insist, because I have no doubt, somehow, that this cannot be true.

 

He comes down a little, he has no further argument. His lower lip stills shivers...

 

 

This picture of hell leaves me speechless for a while too. I think about how scary must be to live your life believing something like that. I think about why people choose to believe some crazy stories like this one, when they have a choice to believe anything they want to believe. I believe in Earth, Heaven, Myself and in People, because my Gods told me to. I believe in their Unconditional Love for me, which does not incorporate judgement. I experience their protection and support more than often and have no reason to be scared. And I know, that when I die and go to Heaven (which is the only place to go) I will greet my Gods, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Torah, Muhammad and all others, who will understand that I did my best in life- I did whatever I could do; and whatever I didn't do- I couldn't do, that time. And I will accept with pleasure another chance to come back to Earth and try again. Because they love me UNCONDITIONALLY, you know... So no chains for me, my dear Catholic friend.

... disembowels you... sets you on fire... For what? Think again. Because you dedicate your life to your advancement as human being? Because you have decided to pursue your dream carrier? Because you left your husband, who abused you and your children? Because you have a glass of wine or two in a dinner party? Because you sometimes listen to heavy metal music? Because you enjoy your new dress, which make you look and feel fabulous? Because you kissed that man, which is in your dreams for the last three months? Because God loves you all the way? That just doesn't make sense to me, I am sorry.


'Gluten for punishment you are'- smiles one wise friend of mine.

'I am gluten free, remember?' (I have this kind of diet) We both laugh...


For the next two days I Google theology lectures on Christianity and Catholicism...

 

by Brigita Stasun

40.

'You write confessions!'- is shocked someone I use to know...

I thought by this time I surprise no one, hehe

 

Yes, I do. Yes, that is what I do. I sell honesty to you. I want to encourage you to in tune yourself into Self. We are all the same. There is no need to feel guilty, be ashamed or afraid.

 

 

Don't think about all those things you fear

Just be glad to be here

 

by Brigita Stasun

39.

It is the last day for my car insurance expiring, which I have decided not to renew it until I find a job in Cork.

So for goodbye I take a morning paper, coffee, pen, of course, and drive to Silver Strand beach to look at county Clare mountains, which are dark blue today- my favourite. Windy is this morning. Empty is the beach. Warm are my thoughts. Joyous is my Soul. Grateful is my heart. 

This place was always very inspirational for me. It nurtured days of fog, it passed me a mellow word. It overwhelmed my dreams with blue, it offered stillness and nature's beauty- to release the old and greet a new... Many fragments I have painted here. Many paintings I still hold. The seashells that you found in my letters was picked on this shore of West Eire...

Many waves counted, many prayers chanted, many winds tested, many ships passing by watched... Many love hearts on a sand been drawn; many kites, wind surfers, children and dogs through my eyes walked... Storms never reached me here and my darkest night was turned to spring...

Flawless is this magic. I give a special pocket to it. It is for me and it is mine. Years of special rewards- days of words, nights of suspended stars and violet sparkly dust in between- I drift to daydream...

The final line of fourteen years lasted saga- I will come back some day for more...

 

There comes a man with a dog- the husky type- very hairy, fluffy and snow white. I always had a big desire to hug this kind of dog, to put my chest against his, to sink my face into white fur heaven... So today I ask a man- can I path your dog, please... Aidan is from Cork, believe it or not, and he have to disappoint me- Lille doesn't accept hugs from the strangers... And here he laughs- 'you have to get your own dog...'

But Lille lets me touch her head a little and Aidan is surprised. Sweet, short and punchy is my chance- but that is okay, it's not too bad, hehe

White dog is always a good sign. Just like white feathers, blue flowers and coins that you find...

 

I multiply these joys of blue and drive my blue (!) Volvo to a friend's garage- wait for me, baby, I will come back for you too...


'Every day is a new opportunity to delight in life. Morning wakes not only your body but your spiritual being, opening you to all the gifts and graces that await you during this new day. So, when you wake up in the morning, when the dawn breaks through the dark sky, allow it to rekindle your heart, and let the night open to reveal a new day. The sky is shining anew, and you are too part of that shining newness.'  (Sister Stan)

 

Blessings to You . Briga Saulė, 2014

Blessings to You. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

38.

I eat porridge standing on a doorstep of my home and watching cheerful rain under the brightest sunshine. I like that Ireland is so humid. Water purifies my Soul every time I am in need for it. Washed, rinsed and tumble dried I feel after this trip. Even my hand skin is pealing- renewing for the Light to hold... I feel like new born into more and more real beginnings of my own dream happening. I have exactly thirty days left to be a Galway girl...


'Pain can push you to the point of rebellion or despair. But it can also free you for creative transformation. Whether suffering destroys or becomes a source of creativity for you depends in part on you and your reaction to it. Nobody sets out to find suffering, but when it finds you, you can discern its value and gain from it.'  (Sister Stan)

 

It is the crushed grape that gives out the blood-red wine; it is the suffering soul that breathes the sweetest melodies.'  (Gail Hamilton)

 

'Sometimes life is chaotic; and all you can do is say yes and let yourself be led. At such a time, you have to trust that you will gradually be led into a quiet place by what chaos theory calls the 'strange attractor'- this, I believe, is God, the one who leads you into a closer relationship of love.'  (Sister Stan)

 

Black Board Wisdom, hehe . Briga Saulė, 2014

Black Board Wisdom, hehe. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

37.

Every journey is a sacred thing, says John O'Donohue. 'It diverts you towards the territories of the spirit, where you will discover more of your hidden life and the urgencies that deserve to claim you. Travel in awakened way: be more attentive to yourself, listen what your heart love to say. Gather wisely to your inner ground and do not waist the invitations, which wait along the way to transform you...'

 

Crystal clear insight landed in front of me today- 'You have to walk all the way to reach the gifts you longing for. Stopping in between gives you half of them. And half does not satisfy you.'

That is where the void is- between half and all. Take it or leave it, like people say. But my Soul is my compass and it tells me, that to 'leave it- is not an option, Sunshine, for you...'

 

'May you travel safely, arrive refreshed

And live your time away to its fullest;

Return home more enriched, and free

To balance the gift of days which call you.'  

(John O'D)

 

Layers of Contrast . Briga Saulė, 2014

Layers of Contrast. Briga Saulė, 2014

 

Goodbye for now coffee in between Mullrany and Newport... in an old Irish cottage tea house... mmm

Achill is a powdered doughnut every time. So grateful Universe being so generous. Still feeling a little disable I keep going... 

 

 

Briga Saulė, 2014

Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

36.

At the Western Light art gallery I get inspired to try making a collage myself. 

'To publish a book is very affordable nowadays'- tells me an owner of this gallery after finding out what do I do in this life. People in Achill are nosy. I think they preserve the conversations (just like they do with money) for a winter time, when this island becomes lonely planet.

'My son published three hundred and seventy pages book for only eight hundred euro'- he says. Ah. That is good to know, but book, what are you talking about? I write grey colours with no contrast lately...

'You can make money from your withdrawals'- he suggest.

'Oh yeah?'- hopelessness sharpens my tongue I am tempted to ask him does he manages to do that, because there is nothing that much transcendental about what he is selling here either (I am back to my retarded teenager personality) but I smile and walk away, apologising inside for being such an eejet and thanking him for an idea of collage; before he gets deeper into the suggestions how I can make money selling my knowledge of Russian language to a BUSINESS WORLD... again... hehe

 

For an afternoon coffee I choose to go to Doogort, that old school hotel, where my struggling will fit right in- I can count dead flies on a window boards chanting mantra I just read-

 

I remind myself

Of someone I never met

Of someone I'd like to meet

Of someone I can't forget

I am not insane

I am just half way

Have a nice day

 

An evidence of glib martyr. Recorded.

 

Church of Doogort . Briga Saulė, 2014

Church of Doogort. Briga Saulė, 2014


DEAD FLIES

 

I walk into this place as I would have a lifetime pass to the places of nostalgias around the globe. Their coffee is the worst; I know that, but it is part of the deal I am looking for. So I go straight to the bar, slip on a high chair and ask for it.

'It is usually three euro'- tells me tooo nice middle aged man- 'but I will charge you two'- he smiles.That is how they preserve money for winter- it is always been two, by the way. Little leprechaun I'll tell ya, but say nothing and give him three. Not long to wait and they starting to chat me up- four local men in a bar with golden liquid almost over in pints- four pm, not too bad I suppose, hehehe

'You should come and live in Achill, I'll get you a place to work here'- they all bored- 'once you learn to pull a pint you'll never be out of job'- sounds encouraging, ha!

'Maybe last year's offer'- I laugh- 'Cork is on the cards this year'- so stop romancing the stoned, hehe (where have I picked up this expression?)

The man besides me eats me alive with his sight and with no ceremonial introductions asks me would I?

'Say yes'- he leans towards me and whispers.

'Yes for what?'- I don't get it.

Patrick is middle aged man and, I am sure, very famous bachelor of this island, pulls out a photo from his wallet of his newly build house with a cat on a window and a dog by the gate, can you believe it? He paints for a living. Exterior and interior of houses... I see... Lived in England for five years, but back to this island again, no place like home with a dog you see, agree or disagree... And this is his uncle, and two school friends, and a niece with her daughter... who is already taking pictures of me and Patrick, asking to put our heads closer- for a better shot, hey!

'I like the way you look'- Patrick whispers proudly- 'I like your figure...'

'Patrick, buy young lady fresh picked strawberries with cream'- leprechaun is tricking Patrick to open up his wallet once more...

'Say yes'- Patrick leans closer to me again, probably trying to make a decision do I deserve those strawberries.

'No!'- I laugh back.

'Why not?'- he asks- 'you never work again, you can look after children and get Social Welfare...' WOW! And in a blink of an eye fresh strawberries (two days old, from a fridge) lands on the counter...

'What the hell is this?'- I get into a bit hysterical laugh- 'leave me alone, I just want to sit here and count dead flies!'

'I will heat your coffee'- offers leprechaun gently winking an eye. For a photo with Patrick- heads close, of course.

'Why not?'- Patrick is extremely assertive. Now I notice his moustache, shaped in style of seventies England, his t-shirt from Lanzarotte with camel drinking cactus through a straw; his hard working hands and desperate eyes. My coffee has been topped with hot water (cannot get worse than that) and Patrick declares his further going plan of tonight 'for you and me, baby...' He has everything I want and whatever else there is.

But now I jump from my seat and telling him that I have to go to make a phone call to Canada- my friend had a baby two days ago- I lie. So I tell quick goodbye to all of them and off I am ready to go. Well, polite kiss has to be included, free strawberries- reminds me Patrick. Ok, let it be, I kiss his both cheeks, ran and ban myself from this hotel at least for this stay in Achill.

Patrick and all his family waves to me taking the last pictures when I drive past the window...

 

I love cracked people, but do not steel my dead flies, please, do you mind?

 

Patrick . Briga Saulė, 2014

Patrick. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

35.

In the paradise of the Atlantic I have my regular routine. Swim in the morning, breakfast, coffee in some coffee shop; some long walk, some short read, some art gallery (it is hand full of them here) some rest with closed eyes feeling the breeze to open them up to the emerald blue sea and a golden hair girl with lips the colour of poinsettia flower, building sand castles... Try to be part of the whole scene with all its brilliant colours and a vivid motions! Try to dig savage passion and a raw desire for living...

And usually it works. I believe I have an ability to 'tune in' to see the extraordinary of the ordinary and elevate all to their possible highest. But not this time. Not yesterday or day before, nor today either. I see all the beauty around, I feel the thermal sand, I enjoy the greenish orange pastel, I borrow the colours from the rainbows and paint my own paintings mixing them other way around; I watch mountains hiding their heads in the clouds and tease sheep with the same Baaaaa sound that they make, I appreciate sunshine is warming me- and it is all in norm- all beauty in fact- all here. But nothing stretches outside the ordinary. What only stretches- is my hopelessness- further into the Dark Night of the Soul...

Interesting thing that Dark Night is. It comes out of nowhere (well, not precisely, but still) and brings you nothing. It sets a void between the rational reality and the paradise of your own divine. As long as you don't belong to the rational reality as such no more and happen to disconnect from the heaven's side, you murk in between- that void. In a bigger picture- Dark Night is about transformation. Because if you will manage to pull yourself out of this bucket (which requires a bit of work to do, have I said a bit, ha! A good bit actually- you have to establish the connection you have lost. And that means cleaning the channels inside out) You will never be the same. You will understand how much and how well you did, how firm you stand the ground and delightedly accept well deserved rewards Universe sends you. In a smaller picture- Dark Night is about lack of solitude.

Yes, I know what I am talking about. I have passed by one of them before- two years ago. This one is tougher though. Because the gap between the realization of the situation and actual decision making to alter it is a longer distance this time... EGO plays chess with you now...

Just do it, you would say? Yes, I would say the same. But unfortunately it doesn't work this way. You are only in control of your resources (with no motivation except for expedience). You do not control the time. You have to stay in a void as long as you have to stay. It is all with the reason and for the purpose. You cannot hurry the process. So you just be- with no light, no hope, totally alone- accept your predicament, pray and wait. Until the time is right...

But once you feel it, do not let it pass by. Do not get use to a void, it is a trap. 'Because if you give up, you will be a self reject and will return to the old life, forever a foreigner, being neither at home with it nor at home anywhere else.' During the Dark Night of the Soul, beside all the feelings which fell on you- not being able to fit in, dogged hanging on, loneliness, hopelessness and emptiness- all your inner struggles; you are still able to function pretty well in that rational reality of ours. It's just this 'missing part' that bothers. Do not get use to life with missing parts. Because if it is missing, it always be missing. And going in circles and through cycles you will come across missing all the time anyway. So search for a missing part. Do not delay your trip to paradise any longer, when you will feel the time is right- grab it. It is your visa to happiness. It is worth it. Do not suppress what you have come to enjoy- is our picture... LOVE.


'The Dark Night of the Soul occurs after considerable advancement towards higher consciousness. Indeed, the dark night usually occurs like an initiation before spiritual seeker is admitted into regular relationship with higher consciousness, or seek immersion or unity in the higher consciousness. You are being drawn into dark night because:

your inner potential has great stature,

your crusty, old Ego requires you to go through the dark night in order to be transformed.'  

(http://www.thehealersjournal.com/)


Vintage Surfing Graphics coffee.  Briga Saulė, 2014

Vintage Surfing Graphics coffee. Briga Saulė, 2014

 

Curt Cobain takes over the radio, oh. No darling, I will not be celebrating my sorrows with you, hehe. I leave for a long walk to the second village deserted...

 

 

Briga Saulė, 2014

Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

34.

I walk all the way down to the village deserted, on the wildest shore of an island of Achill... It is one of those places where not many come. It feels like walking a memory lane of the past, which you cannot remember and at the same time cannot forget... It is a place where cliffs stands sharp and sea seagulls scream wild. Where sheep doesn't come... This kind of past left behind...

I watch the waves splashing champagne, which you not allowed to drink. Crystal tears starts dripping when I put my cheek onto flat stone and become subtle enough to channel its strength... I close my eyes and imagine I am a bird flying over the ocean and mountains, sending blessings to all in rain drops, drawing rainbows within... I get the sense of all things so ancient, forever embedded into these rocks, this land, those waves... where the present and the future are the favours of the past...

Starts raining and I have nowhere to hide. I feel so alone, so I cry, feeling the past sliding like silk through my fingers, through the vision of the third eye... My brave Soul enters the territory of unease to un ease that voice which calls for desire to dream myself into living, which I walked towards slowly every single lifetime that was granted to me; carrying water all the way up to this village to keep humanity in us alive and to light the road towards belonging to the ancient Earth- our past...

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am blessed with deeper introduction to my senses today. I am blessed with an understanding of my inheritance. And I decide to walk this road all the way up till the end. The deepest tranquillity sets on the morning of continuing wonder...

 

(But my intentions weren't enough. Some all the ways till the end meant to be walked holding somebody's hand... So next time...) 

 

Achill . Briga Saulė, 2014

Achill. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

33.

I drive to Mayo dreaming my future. My life in Cork, in California, on an island of Greece... And everything feels so easily real I'll tell ya. Brand new white swan BMW 525 (the one I am going to drive in California, hehe) follows me all the way and does not overtake me, even that I slide sixty miles an hour to enjoy this journey as long as I can, as much as I am able to...

Sunflowers in pots! I will grow them in Greece :)


Travelling is what you missing, Sunshine. Even just to sit in a cafe you never been before.

 

'Glowing from the afternoon fun'- my friend is on a phone.

'So am I, Hun, so am I'- I smile telling him that I found a cafe where DM plays (Depeche Mode).

'Dean Martin?'- he teases me and makes me laugh thinking that Dean Martin at Vivaldi cafe- cliché I could expand, hehe...

 

Welcome to Paradise!  Briga Saulė, 2014

Welcome to Paradise! Briga Saulė, 2014


I watched the documentary some time ago about religious cults in Ireland. About 'House of Prayer' (officially- Our Lady Queen of Peace House of Prayer Ltd). Ltd like, believe it or not. It is based in the village of Achill (besides three of them in USA and one in Mexico) so I stop by to have a look.

 

'What a strange energy. Heavy, locked and something else I don't grasp just yet. Two men chant prayers in an empty 'church' and start singing in amazingly polished voices after... It is very interesting to see Virgin Mary in the centre of the 'church'- house of prayer- to be more accurate. I sit here in front of Mary's portrait, which is pictured crying bloody tears (!) and get attracted to the white sun shining in a place of her heart. White roses underneath her breasts hypnotising my psychedelic mind and 'five minutes before death' Jesus's bust under glass cone bit freaks me out about some illusion not familiar. It is almost two dozen Virgin Mary's between the statues and the portraits (one of them is a statue of her with an angel wings and a sword in her hand, how interesting...) and they all look at me asking what exactly my purpose here is. But sexy Jesus (very sexy, wayyy tooo sexy) in a golden frame kind of invites me to stay longer, hehe... I wish I could take a picture to show you, but strictly no recording equipment allowed. I turn my head around- hidden cameras are everywhere, hmmm... Confusion is present here- now I get the main energy. And at that very moment something inside me starts giggling; 'this is a joke!' tells me my mind and I understand that I will have to go, because I am afraid I will start laughing loud again (why do I have this tendency to burst into laugh in not appropriate places at not appropriate time?). Those two men are watching me with an eagle eye and polite faces... I do not want to insult their faith in any way, and even that all fun/not so fun just starting- people started to come in and kneel kissing some big book underneath the bloody tear' Mary- I have to leave, pity.

Something is very strange about this place. And those two men are protecting this strangeness...' 


My friend fishes mackerels in a full moonlight. I watch live painting... We drink whiskey and tea, eat almond cookies and talk about past. We laugh at the silliest mistakes that we've made back then and share those special moments which educated us to handle rejection, loneliness tricks and sweetest orgasms. Super Moon charms...

 

Super Moon . Briga Saulė, 2014

Super Moon. Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

32.

Repetition of the days eats me alive. Hopelessness haunts me. Peace abandons me. Non reachable promised heaven upsets me. Absence of physical intimacy drives me insane. Not so kind me makes me to lose the faith. Cigarette on the doorstep kills me. Blank page scares me. No inspiration makes me sad. Messy dreams annoy me. Fear of the card's truth sinks me to apathy. Tiredness threatens me. Devil chats me up. Sugar seduces me. Old thoughts confuse me. You lie to me. Full Moon stares at me...

My life absurd's me. 

 

Wet suit and flip-flops in a bag, full tank of petrol- I am off to the island of Achill in search for a healing, inspiration and wilderness magic...- loneliness, show me your teeth if you have to...

 

(I am learning not to get attached to any of those 'things' too much. I play chess with my destiny and eat burritos with Rodriguez- my new companion.)

 

Arno T, 2010

Arno T, 2010


'One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.'  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

 

'Have the courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.'  (Maya Angelou)

by Brigita Stasun

31.

'Obstacle is an inspiration. But I don't know how to expand it...'- I mourn and mourn and there is no end to this mourning.

'Get a balance'- my Soul reminds me of the ways to connect- '... cos the smell of her perfume echoes still in my head...'- feel the beauty...

'The imagination works through suggestion, not description. Description is always direct and frequently closes off what it names. Suggestion respects the mystery and richness of a thing'- John O'Donohue is leading my army...

'Quality to elevate things, remember? And please, don't say that those things do not happen in a rational Universe. Pay attention to your dreams if you can't meditate, they are higher forms of yourself, the symbols of success... Be a silk worm- take raw material and transform it'- I am trying to inspire myself...

 

'Soon you know I leave you

And never look behind

Cos I was born for a purpose

That crucifies your mind...'- but the stolen cliché enchanting my Ego... 


Sometimes you have to find a little sparkle of beauty and give yourself creative visualization therapy session.

 

'Silver apples of the Moon

Golden apples of the Sun...'  

 

'The Soul is a natural shelter around your life'- mellowness of John's expression is able to mesmerise me to tears.

 

'I would like to be able to take a photo of a dream...'  

 

I step into these pictures...

 

Ryan, age 8 . Briga Saulė, 2012

Ryan, age 8. Briga Saulė, 2012

by Brigita Stasun

30.

Summer house with swimming pool and additions to the concept of beauty.*

Coffee, insomnia and biscuits.

Every little helps and hero time!

Gorgeous dresses, shoes, bags and no need for them- window shopping-

Eamear's radiance and John O'Donohue's 'Divine Beauty'.

Worn out red nail polish and a new fridge...

Sunny day and a lady with two cakes.

Pros and cons of public transport and 'Try Walking in My Shoes'.

Man dressed in yellow and absolution present.

Happy and happier go back painting...

 

* 'The sadness and despair of beauty laid bare.'  (Herman Broch)

 

  'But beauty interrupts restrictions in every place and thing.'  (Stephen David Ross)

 

  'Create beauty of woundedness- beauty triumphs over the suffering inherent in life.'  (Nietzsche)

 

  ' Colour is the language of light; it adorns the Earth with beauty.' (John O'Donohue)

 

  'The eye needs colour as much as it needs light.'  (Goethe)

 

  'Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.'  (Rumi)

 

  'Choose beauty.'  (Me!)

 

  'Treat things poetically.'  (Ralf Waldo Emerson)

 

Colours of Italy.  Briga Saulė, 2009

Colours of Italy. Briga Saulė, 2009

 

... music is a colour...

 

by Brigita Stasun

29.

'Tell me your feeling of the moment'- Madam asks me tonight.

'I am worried. Because I have nothing to write about'- I tell- 'and you?'

'Worried is not a nice feeling. Maybe a wee block, but it won't last. And me- for a first time in my forty one years living I believe I am stressed. It is the only conclusion I come up with for my bizarre moods and behaviour in the last few weeks'. 

'It is always a first time'- I comfort her gently winking my eye- 'I think stress is a mental block, but it won't last either. You have acknowledged it, so it will get easier now...'

 

Those mental acknowledgements have superior power. For the last week, every time I pass by the mirror I look at myself and say loud- 'I am an addict'. I express this in different emotions- sad, annoyed, playful, joyous manner- to have more fun! Becomes really funny after a while and you start laughing at yourself- it indicates for acceptance of an issue, whatever it is, and acceptance of yourself having that issue. After another while it starts to slip away a little- I didn't smoke for the last two days... And maybe I will start again, I don't know, possibly, but so what... It will balance out eventually. I know that. I healed my anger this way. These mental games have to be played for a while, until it reaches your unconscious to alter the present state by offering a different new role- a better one! Better one- your intellectual curious amazing mind will never resist. So do not worry. Profound pull in your psyche will happen. Keep playing the mirror game. You will be amazed how easy sometimes it is to change...

 

After day's hard work (I've been doing some wall painting) I sit on the floor in an empty room drinking lavender tea and watching the street...  Patchouli incense recording the intimacies of still present summer and red candle is warming my core. All the windows are wide open into the night and Nicolas Jaar is soundtracking my picturesque time- acoustics are delicious in an empty space... His album 'Space is Only Noise' inspires me to stand up and perform contemporary dance dream for imaginary audience...

'Maybe we need blocks to balance ourselves'- occurs to me- 'space to think and thus to flower...'

 

Briga Saulė, 2013

Briga Saulė, 2013

 

And one more- for delicious acoustic's sake!

 

'You can try to find the star that made you

You can try to find that speck of light in your eye

You can look into and see the eye that made you

The light that made you

But you might as well make yourself at home balance at home

Put both feet into the thin line of light

And look into the eye that made you

Tell her you see her

Balance her in between your eyes...'  - I wish this track was extended!

 


'I find my bearings where I become lost.'  (Helene Cixous)

 

'Breakage, whatever its cause, is the dark complement to the act of making; the one implies the other. The thing that is broken has particular authority over the act of change.'  (Louise Gluck)

by Brigita Stasun

28.

On the first day of August I smell the autumn. So it is true then Irish people say about seasons in Ireland change a month earlier than in the rest of Europe. 

I like autumn. Especially the early one. When the smell of pastry takes over the smell of flowers, sun and sand; when yellow colour starts to adopt deeper and deeper shade which eventually turns orange... When the wind starts blowing cobwebs into your face, instead of those white fluffy things which looks like stars and floats in the air in summer months- we call them 'happiness' in my home land... They are very light and transparent, it is hard to catch them, but if you do- you'll hold happy times in your hand! I catch it, make a wish, thank and let them fly again to cheer somebody else for a second. 'Happiness is only real when it's shared' people say. May it be the tiniest and only a moment lasting- it's still a gift though, given or accepted- smile!

In autumn you slow down your steps... You start to intrigue your mind to summarise those innocent summer days which splashed sunniest joy around, just like your silk dresses, which danced in warm breeze together with those 'happiness's'. You choose a cup cake to accompany your coffee instead of an ice-cream and pull Dostoyevsky from a book shelf, leaving the funky stories of nobody knows writers in it's place... Your eyes starts catching woolly cardigans in second hand shops and your fingers starts searching Google for some educational course which will expand your horizons and make you trip in a planet of knowledge... In autumn you watch the boats leaving a harbour, eat organic apples and make a message in a bottle to throw into the sea- this is my goodbye to summer invented tradition... Then season of blackberries, pumpkin soup, black tea, spoon of honey every evening, spicy incense smells and woollen socks, which you have full drawer, greets you...

 

From the swings with the wings

we'll settle onto a boat

to canoe our way

towards an orange stillness

mental harvest

has to be ripped...

 

There might be no blackberry heaven this year, Sunshine. But it will be plenty of live jazz, different writers and writings, new harbour, an airport twenty minutes away and, maybe, even somebody's hand to hold on to... Stay safe, warm, open and happy!

 

Briga Saulė, 2014

Briga Saulė, 2014

by Brigita Stasun

27.

Sun and Moon joins my body tonight. I see the golden ring with diamond eye very vividly, the one which represents engagement in a human world...

 

I am a man... and I get so much pleasure of a woman...

I am a woman... and I do not get enough pleasure of a man...

But do I have a choice here? No, I do not. So all that I have to do- BE A WOMAN AND ENJOY THE PLEASURES THAT A MAN GIVES YOU, BECAUSE HE IS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY ABOUT YOU. HE ADORES EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF YOUR BODY, IF HE COULD, HE WOULD EAT YOU ALIVE! YOU ARE THE MOST GORGEOUS, SEXY, AMAZING WOMAN HE DREAMS OF AND HE CAN NOT GET ENOUGH OF YOU! LET HIM GIVE YOU PLEASURE, LET HIM DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING AND HE ENJOYS THAT BEYOND THOSE LINES THAT YOU TEND TO CREATE FOR YOURSELF. NOW YOU KNOW HOW GREAT IT FEELS FOR HIM TO HAVE YOU, TO KISS YOUR BODY, TO SMELL YOUR SKIN, TO CARE FOR YOUR BREASTS, TO SLIP INSIDE OF YOU. BUT YOU ARE NOT HIM THIS TIME, SUGAR. YOU ARE THAT WOMAN HE RESPECTS, WANTS, ADORES, LOVES AND MAKES LOVE TO. SO RELAX. TRUST A MAN AND FLY OVER THE RAINBOW. ENJOY THIS EXPERIENCE. IT IS A DIFFERENT ONE, BUT JUST THE SAME PLEASURABLE. DROP THE MEMORIES RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. ACCEPT THE EXPERIENCE AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT. IT WILL BE JUST AS GOOD!!

ENJOY BEING A WOMAN.

YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO HIM!

RULE, GODDESS.

 

Sun and Moon has equal powers and pleasures. Sun and Moon got married and carried away tonight, my God...

 

 

(... yes, these spiritual hangouts are tricky! I always had a strong sense that I was a man for a good few lifetimes in a row. That is why I struggle a little in some aspects of a woman's role.)

by Brigita Stasun

26.

OBSERVATIONS WITH NO INSPIRATION

 

Dark night of the Soul is lifting a little and I am starting to see the light in the end of a tunnel, thanks God! I feel everything is coming back to normal, besides knowing that dark night is not over just yet. But let's stay with now for a while and be glad that we have today!

I have a plan to see my friend and attend an AA meeting this evening, ha! Why? Maybe for some insights, maybe for long wished experience, maybe because I am an addict, or for something I don't know why. My heart and my mind is opening up again, so I cannot take an advantage of it- I will accept anything and everything the light in the end of a tunnel has to offer. Healing, hope, laughter, good word- anything. How amazing is to be open, innocent and curious to the world! That is why children always has so much fun, right?

 

It is one of the busiest weeks in Galway- the racing days! Women scream rainbow colours in their dresses and march graciously in deluxe hats. Men, neatly dressed in suits and ties are the treat for an eye! They stand in groups and somehow reminds me of London's underground cosmopolitan stories- when the tube's doors opens up and lava of smart dressed men erupts onto almost empty corridors and electric stairways, colouring their grey landscape in navy and black colours of business...

I walk the city smiling at the light, my friend besides me walks talking usual attempts to organize her life better (she has those attempts since a day I met her- which is about four years ago), she even got a diary this time, she says. I giggle at her, she sounds like 'Night Train' jazz to me- so soothing and gently predictable (I hope she'll stay living without too much planning though, hehe). I stick to my plan and she walks me to an AA meeting, where I kiss the door- even the addicts are on holidays this week! So we walk in the rain and talk plans. 

'Let's go to Dublin, babe, I have never visited The National Gallery'- I suggest.

'When?'- she pulls out actual diary (oh, dear) for me to do the same- 'give me some websites of the employment agencies!'- I accelerate the planning game. As she not use to planning and I have enough of it in my life- we both quickly get fed up, and as long as coffee is drunken and cakes are eaten- we embark different directions for more personal experiences...

 

'You have decided to change your life, good for you!'- screams from excitement my other friend that I bump accidently into. 

'Yes, go for it, leave Galway, it has too much of bad hippies'- she states making me laugh loud from this kind of comment wondering what they have done to her.

'I am thinking to leave too'- she says and we discuss possible country which would suit her personality and a lifestyle. We stand on a bridge, tide is so high water almost reaching our feet... if we would lean a little, we would be able to kiss the swans...

'Holland'- she says after awhile and I burst into laugh again- 'yeah, go to Amsterdam, there are no hippies there!'

'Let's go and see a movie'- she takes my hand. But I say no, I am not up for a dark room again, today I walk in light, Hun, sorry...

My hand starts itching (maybe it wants to write something special- been a while) so I quickly observe my options for a place to sit down. 

 

'Can I, please, have a tea'- I ask in a pub at half nine pm like, hehe. I only have two euro sixty cent left in my bag, so what...

'It is a very nice tea house just next door'- suggests me bartender, what a nice girl!

'I know'- I smile- 'their teas are two eighty though...'

'You can't be drinking tea now'- a man besides hear as talking and offers me a glass of wine- 'it is my pay day'- he says, so I accept, but drop the two euro sixty into front pocket of his shirt, ah, this Irish generosity on drinks, God bless. Maxi is his name and he is a 'bad hippie' who played in a band in England for years, but now celebrates his comeback to the roots and hangs in Galway, reading America's murder fiction books.

'You need different things at different times'- we contemplate on our choices- 'you will be fine- you are good looking and you write- you will stand up in Cork'- 'Night Train' jazz is playing to my ears again... I like hippies. I am one of them I think. For some- good one, for some- bad one I guess, but the best one for me. One and only, so to say- in vino veritas must be :)

The pub is pretty empty (racers don't blend with hippies), with perfect smoking area, so I sit, sip, smoke, sip more, smile to myself and write about nothing really. And all is so good, easy and light light light...

Two polish people next to me discussing some book.

'It sounds like a Bible'- one says.

'Oh no no, I am not religious, this book is about the lakes where John Paul went when he was in Poland, because he is from the mountains...'

I start laughing again and feel a little awkward about it, excuse me my friends! They turn towards me and ask what am I laughing from and what do I write here. Polish people are very assertive, you better answer their questions straight away and hope that they be satisfied and leave you alone, otherwise they will wreck your head and then you'll end up answering twice as much questions. So I answer it, hoping for the first scenario, but their take their pints, move closer and start the conversation. I let them talk, enjoying their point of view on numerology, possible hypnosis and 'treat people the way you want to be treated' philosophy. I don't comment or challenge them in any way; I just sit, sip, smoke, sip more and smile, taking an advice that my books suggested me the other day, about that 'willingness of not be right'.

Another stranger joins this party; I turn to look at him and bam! I get an instant feeling that he holds something for me (I tend to recognize people who can and will contribute to my development towards higher consciousness)... He tells me he is a writer too; he gives me valuable tip about writing and tries to trick me into deeper conversation. But at this point I am not able for it- Polish people already gave me enough information to process and recycle, so I suggest him Soul Links and leave, through the sound of some Latin Jazz that dj plays in here... 

On the next day I get mind blowing email from him, which intrigues me for another day of endless search and swap of the insights, experiences, healing, hope, good word- anything and everything the light in the end of a tunnel has to offer... So I go for it, with a feeling that life in Galway does not inspire me no more...

 

Briga Saulė, 2008

Briga Saulė, 2008

by Brigita Stasun