Summer 2014

11.

My prolonged stress changes its form. It is starting to manifest in a panic attacks, like seven years ago... Not a 'full blow' for today, milder- 'near' to panic- form, as wise people describe. Today it lasted nearly all day, that 'milder' form... of the sense of being exposed naked to the REALITY of hell, with a feeling of being trapped in your own worst fears, and loss of vision while consciousness is maintained... No light in the end of a tunnel, ha! Let's go...

Your heart rate accelerates, your body becomes tense, feeling of choking and a hot flush comes at once. You look around to hold on to something steady and starting to breath rapidly- you know it will be another hell of the ride... Your body starts to fill up with an adrenaline, preparing you for an attack or defence- depending on your mind's choice. 'Fight', 'flight' or 'freeze' are the options on a plate... Everything around becomes brighter and sharper, everything starts to move quicker. Your mind starts searching around for a stimulus to electrify this experience even more, and your body is starting to move like Michael Jackson in his moon walk- very accurately and sharply, in a trajectory to nowhere... The human mind amazes me- in this case, it works like Ouroboros- by trying to delude you into the aspect of Eternal Return to the Primal Darkness... it is starting to process all the bad experiences you have had AND will have in the future, provoking the sense of fear to come out... It manages to edit all those bad stories into one chapter in a blink of an eye, encouraging fear to stay... In this moment- your past, your present and your future becomes one big fear... Intensity varies, depending on your response. If you make catastrophic interpretations on what is happening, you up for a 'full blow'...

Something very similar I had experienced in my early twenties. In a different setting- world's first vertical drop roller coaster 'Oblivion'- Alton Towers, England, 1998. 'Discover journey to your real self'- was their offer... Me, twenty one years old girl, who was reading Carl's Jung interpretations on human psyche functions that time, bought this offer, of course, without a second thought...

I have never experienced anything like this before, I never understood what G-Force 4,5 is (a typical person handles up to G-Force 5, which means 49 m/s speed). When the carriage started to move up slowly towards promised destination of sixty metres height, I started to lose the sense of my body belonging to me... Fear was rising rapidly and I had to do my very best to cope with the feeling that something is extremely out of order here. I started to lose orientation and a feel for any sort of stable base present. Realization of more scary part to come overwhelmed my essence. 'When faced with a situation of sudden onset of extreme anxiety, your body starts to produce an adrenaline in help for you to cope'- I knew that theoretically back then. And before I understood what is happening, here I was- at a peak of the oblivion- where the carriage stopped for a few seconds. You have a safety belt on, of course, but your body is lifted from a seat a little, so you just hang on a thin air with a sense of extreme insecurity and rawest fear imaginable, which invites you to party... You have the last chance to inhale... And you, better, do this  n o w ...

Catapulted... from sixty metres altitude... colossal vertical drop... one hundred and eighty degrees axis... free fall... into the depths of hell... no chance... no hope... whoah........

When I got out of a black hole, I opened my eyes and looked at the sky, which was in his usual height... I checked my hands, my legs, my head; I understood that I am alive. I was so glad, I cannot even to define... This experience I never forgot. And I never went on roller coaster again. I still find it hard to understand why people do this kind of thing. Why do we consciously decide to terror ourselves with fear?

So the 'milder' panic attack (the one I had experienced today)- slowly roller coasts you all the way up to the top... Just this time, your mind understands what is going on- you had this before. Your body starts to produce an adrenaline, in case you will find yourself sliding from one hundred and eighty degrees down... But something inside alerts you, that free fall is not going to happen, baby... Not today, not any more... And this awareness saves you. You know fear is triggering you to play its game again. Because you did so, for a while; more active or more passive way... It teases you. Again, and a little more- all day... But today your mind is on your side. Because you have trained it, like you train a dog. You tell him to 'calm down and stay'. And it stays, together with your Soul. (In the holy trinity of Body, Mind and Soul- body is the weakest point- Soul rules the mind, mind rules the body. Two against one always wins). So they bring you all the way- from the sixty metres height- back down... by the same road... slowly... home... To normal.

Because I do not compromise with fear any more. I am aware it is around. And I let it stay. But no more play involved. And don't you even negotiate! Fear doesn't like this, that is why it goes into an extreme- it attacks you from the back. To create a panic- for you to lose your mind, which is trained dog by now. So you turn around and look fear straight in the eyes. It starts to hesitate... Because your eyes shines Light...

'Darkness is an absence of Light'- people say. When the Light is present, darkness tends to pull back and disappears... into the wild...

 

When you have won four battles in a row, you have a tendency to win the war.

 

Drapes goes down here, Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show!

 

 

(... when electricity bill, credit card and mortgage statements,  AND P45 comes in the post at once.)

 

Briga Saulė, 2011

Briga Saulė, 2011


'Fear and courage are brothers.'  (Proverb)

by Brigita Stasun