'These spiritual hangouts can be tricky'- even Madam is weeping today- 'but I feel it's only the true self that can hang out here with the ambiguity, anxiety and insecurity. By staying with it and working on transforming it we won't transmit it on to others. But so hard!!!!!'- five exclamation marks is unusual to see in Madam's expression. Must be truly hard then...
I feel so much of the similar energy around lately. Everybody complains about bigger or smaller things, everybody pretty intense, impatient and not very kind. I am one of those people too. I find very hard to pick up this time also, no matter how hard I try. It is frustrating to go on with no motivation whatsoever and that sense of 'when right feels wrong'.
'It is something in the air'- I share with a friend.
'I told you'- he says- 'The Black Moon is over the Earth, it is not going to be an easy year'.
'No no, don't say that, we got to keep moving...'- I insist...
I change the music (Chromatic 'Night Drive'- my top album of this summer), promise myself to do my best to stay in a positive frame of mind (think this on vinyl, hehe) and starting to pack my Galway life into boxes...
Sorting out my books I remember the game I used to play, you know, the one where you make up two numbers- for a page and a line in random book, open up and see what message it holds for you. So I choose seven books to entertain me a little by wisdom forgotten, before I put half of them into boxes- for a quiet winter in my friend's attic; and another half- onto somebody's else's book shelve- for a sacred tradition of wisdom sharing to continue...
76-7 (my date of birth- greet the Soul!)
If I hear a bit of narcissism shoot out of my mouth, I can take the clue and look for those places where I am not loving and tending my soul. The circumstances, the timing, and the particular language of my narcissism tell me exactly where to look and what to do. Oddly, I can be thankful for my narcissism, if I recognize it as such and hear within the rumblings of myth. It contains the seeds of self-acceptance and loving attachment to the broad world.
(Thomas Moore 'Care of the Soul')
7-13 (my lucky numbers- open up to God's word!)
'Why do some people, take Christ, for example, seem to hear more of Your communication than others?'
'Because some people willing to actually listen. They are willing to hear, and they are willing to remain open to the communication even when it seems scary, or crazy, or downright wrong.'
'We should listen to God even when what's being said seems wrong?'
'Especially when it seems wrong. If you think you are right about everything, who needs to talk with God? Go ahead and act on all that you know. But notice that you've been doing that since time began. And look at what shape the world is in. Clearly, you've missed something. Obviously, there is something you don't understand. That which you do understand must seem right to you, because 'right' is a term you use to designate something with which you agree. What you've missed will, therefore, appear at first to be 'wrong'. The only way to move forward on this is to ask yourself, 'What would happen if everything I thought was 'wrong' was actually 'right'?' Every great scientist knows about this. When what a scientist does is not working, a scientist sets aside all of the assumptions and starts over. All great discoveries have been made from a willingness, and ability, to not be right. And that's what's needed here. You cannot know God until you stop telling yourself that you already know God. You cannot hear God until you stop thinking you've already heard God.
I cannot tell you My Truth until you stop telling Me yours.'
(Neale Donald Walsh 'Conversations with God', book 1)
19-30 (current time- give me some Love!)
The forebodings of Juliet- as if she had some intuition of the consequences of her passionate abandon to her love for Romeo- come later. As she leans from the balcony in the moonlight, in the mist of her delighted absorption in her lover, she acknowledges her fears:
Although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens'.
After their bridal night, when dawn has come and Romeo must away to banishment in Mantua, Juliet looks from the balcony, after her lover has claimed down, and exclaims:
O, thinkest thou we shall ever meet again?
Romeo tries to reply reassuringly, with comforting phrases, which the audience feels to be meaningless:
I doubt if not; and all these woes shall serve
For sweet discourses in our time to come.
(Shakespeare 'Romeo and Juliet)
25-7 (current date- random novel on current time!)
But this is the new me. I'm totally on a health kick. I have not taken any cocaine in four days. I don't even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did 'cause it was around. And I don't think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there. Steve is really, really into cocaine, I would say he's got a problem. He can't stop. Well, sometimes he stops for a while, but he can't stay stopped. I really think I can. I think I have willpower, I just haven't used it in a while. I've been kind of on willpower break, but now I feel it's coming back. I really think I can stay with this commitment of not doing cocaine.
Besides, this healthy life is great. I really love this being straight. You know, you see people jogging and you think, 'Yuuuccchh', but I'm getting on. I'm in my late twenties, And I think taking drugs was all part of being young. I don't think I had a problem, I think I was just young. And that by definition isn't a problem, it's just a point in your life when it seems okay to take a lot of cocaine. And then that point passes.
(Carrie Fisher 'Postcards from the Edge')
47-1 (Madam's call- I tease her with philosophy, instead of psychology this time!)
O Friend, hope for Him whilst you live, know whilst you live, understand whilst you live; for in life deliverance abides.
If your bonds be not broken whilst living, what hope of deliverance in death?
It is but an empty dream that the soul shall have union with Him because it has passed from the body;
If He is found now, He is found then;
If not, we do but go to dwell in the City of Death.
(Aldous Huxley 'The Perennial Philosiphy')
86-27 (numbers from the box these books goes into- let's blend reality and fantasy a little- please, Carlos, what have I missed?)
'Your acts, as well as the acts of your fellow men in general, appear to be important to you because you have learned to think they are important.'
He uses the word 'learned' with such a peculiar infection that it forces me to ask what he meant by it. He stopped handling his plants and looked at me.
'We learn to think about everything,' he said, 'and then we train our eye to look as we think about the things we look at. We look at ourselves already thinking that we are important. And therefore we've got to feel important! But then when a man learns to see, he realizes that he can no longer think about the things he looks at, and if he cannot think about what he looks at everything becomes unimportant.'
Don Juan must have noticed my puzzled look and repeated his statement three times, as if to make me understand it. What he said sounded to me gibberish at first, but upon thinking about it, his words loomed more like a sophisticated statement about some facet of perception.
(Carlos Castaneda 'A Separate Reality')
(numbers from my pass card- give me some craic!)
Choose a laugh, and believe that it is something that defines you. Feel proud of your new acquisition and show it to people with pride. You've found a way of breathing, a way of walking and a way of laughing. These are things that you should show off without shame, just like the child does.
(Albert Espinosa 'The Yellow World')
Wow, how interesting. Looks like those books have summarised my present into the predictable near future :) Slight wind outside teases white curtains to dance, coconut smell smoke and 'Night Train' jazz invites me to close my eyes for a dream; I lie in the middle of book pile with few of them under my head and few under my feet in this suspended moment feeling warm... and warmly sad... enjoyment... of what I have... and can pass on...