'Tell me your feeling of the moment'- Madam asks me tonight.
'I am worried. Because I have nothing to write about'- I tell- 'and you?'
'Worried is not a nice feeling. Maybe a wee block, but it won't last. And me- for a first time in my forty one years living I believe I am stressed. It is the only conclusion I come up with for my bizarre moods and behaviour in the last few weeks'.
'It is always a first time'- I comfort her gently winking my eye- 'I think stress is a mental block, but it won't last either. You have acknowledged it, so it will get easier now...'
Those mental acknowledgements have superior power. For the last week, every time I pass by the mirror I look at myself and say loud- 'I am an addict'. I express this in different emotions- sad, annoyed, playful, joyous manner- to have more fun! Becomes really funny after a while and you start laughing at yourself- it indicates for acceptance of an issue, whatever it is, and acceptance of yourself having that issue. After another while it starts to slip away a little- I didn't smoke for the last two days... And maybe I will start again, I don't know, possibly, but so what... It will balance out eventually. I know that. I healed my anger this way. These mental games have to be played for a while, until it reaches your unconscious to alter the present state by offering a different new role- a better one! Better one- your intellectual curious amazing mind will never resist. So do not worry. Profound pull in your psyche will happen. Keep playing the mirror game. You will be amazed how easy sometimes it is to change...
After day's hard work (I've been doing some wall painting) I sit on the floor in an empty room drinking lavender tea and watching the street... Patchouli incense recording the intimacies of still present summer and red candle is warming my core. All the windows are wide open into the night and Nicolas Jaar is soundtracking my picturesque time- acoustics are delicious in an empty space... His album 'Space is Only Noise' inspires me to stand up and perform contemporary dance dream for imaginary audience...
'Maybe we need blocks to balance ourselves'- occurs to me- 'space to think and thus to flower...'
And one more- for delicious acoustic's sake!
'You can try to find the star that made you
You can try to find that speck of light in your eye
You can look into and see the eye that made you
The light that made you
But you might as well make yourself at home balance at home
Put both feet into the thin line of light
And look into the eye that made you
Tell her you see her
Balance her in between your eyes...' - I wish this track was extended!
'I find my bearings where I become lost.' (Helene Cixous)