It comes a time when you don't now how you feel. That is very uncommon to me.
Thoughts... Brain... Massage...
A BIRTHDAY CARD
'We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey'- said once Paolo Coelho. I copy and paste this to my friend on a holy day of Sunday...
'In which world are you struggling, baby'- she asks me on not so holy Monday.
I smile. I know she knows. She is a yellow too. She counsels humans- that is what she does. So she still expects me to answer. In counselling is like in law- whatever you say- can and will be used against you, you know.
'I want to send a Birthday card to an old friend of mine'- I say instead.
'Let me guess. Will that be the one you challenged the other time?'- she makes sure she is correct. Counsellor's memory is unmistakable.
'Yes, the same one. I had no choice but to do it. I could not play t h a t game any longer. So you do what you have to do. The road to freedom is never easy...'- I sing the last line. 'I have this beautiful card- of a girl in mountains; dressed in a skirt, made from the palm tree leaves... She stands there, on the top of the highest mountain, with a wooden stick in her hand as a weapon. Alone, but not lonely... Curious and confident...'- my imagination starts to unravel its magic- 'I am going to draw a big heart inside that card and put a white feather in, which I brought with me from the island of Achill in the pages of my diary...'- I am already living a feeling of getting such a beautiful greeting myself...
'Can't you just leave it?'- Madam returns me to the reality show.
'What? Why? It's her Birthday! It is a special day for humans, right?'
'She is hurt, baby. This card will be way too much too soon for her, so you know.'
'Yeah, could be, that is why I write nothing. I just draw a heart. For her to know that my Love for her is unshakable. That's all, baby'- I mimic my friend, thinking since when Birthday cards became a bad idea.
'Look, it is like this- she is upset and, possibly, angry at you. So let her be that much upset and angry. Do not insufflate more fuel into the fire for a time being'- Madam understands humans better than me...
'I get it...'- I whisper- 'but it's her Birthday...'
'Are you aware you still playing t h a t game?'- she asks me gently.
Bang! A knock-out! She is right. 'But hold on a second, my dear human expert'- I take a deep breath before I start my tirade- '< ... > all that does not matter that much in a bigger picture. All what matters is Love. And, I believe, I am here to deliver this Love. To myself and everyone around me, who are in need or want for it. That is how I grow my Spirit. That is how I feel Goddess here on Earth. All that makes me even brighter yellow. All that- is what I do- I send Love cards to my friends on their Birthdays!'
'Goddess here on Earth? Tell me more about it'- she asks.
This one is my favourite line of hers! I smile. And I tell her more about it. Just to reassure that I am not going to go to some cave in those mountains to reunite with the gods in heaven.
'Now you tell me something, please'- I ask her proudly. 'Would you have a slightest suspicion I might be going out of my human mind in any way?'
'No, I don't, but- I can tell you my experience about you as a human and as a spiritual being'- she suggests.
'Of course! Please, do'- in her experiences I trust!
'I miss a human side of you. Yellow can be overwhelming at times. It's just that feeling... Of no space around...'
Wow!! I take a step back. My mind blanks. I hear no more. 'There is no space to be- around you...'- tickles in my brain cells... I am very familiar with 'no space' feeling... And I am already there- in a blink of an eye... 'No space' is my only one fear...
'Leave me alone. I am tired'- does not sound like our joke anymore. I walk away... To rethink in a space... To start doubting Love card to my friend on her Birthday...
(... from the yellow conversations.)
Somehow I burst into laugh when came back home. It is the way it is. I am who I am. And it cannot be any other way. I live to my understanding. I cry and I laugh, I make mistakes and I learn from them. I live human life to the full. I do not know what mission is set for me here, just yet. All I know- I am delighted and privileged to be who I am today. I believe we make choices according to our free will. I believe, sometimes, we have to say no to gain many more yes's. I am happy I do not feel guilty anymore. I am happy I do not doubt. I believe I do well. And so I stand my ground.
'Hey, that is so you- beautiful. To be your true self for what you came. In that I hear and feel spiritual Goddess'- Madam hears me every time.
... and the lights comes on... and so does gentle rain... A girl on a mountain is looking at me from the card... I dance... I am back on my feet.
'Moments when you can bless and feel blessed are often those moments at which you are most alone, yet most alive to everyone and everything around you'- somebody once said.
This is t h a t moment...
I posted Birthday card on the next day...