Winter 2017/18

10.

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in the end, she became

more than what she expected.

she became the journey,

and like all journeys,

she did not end, she just

simply changed directions

and kept going.

 

-r.m.drake

9.

'Close the door. Remove the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are' says Paulo Coelho.

That's the problem sometimes. I don't know how to be who I am becoming.

 

I assign two powerful themes to the year 2018. The first one is about making. Some more tangible product perhaps, that would open vaster prospects for me to grow as an artist, and, hopefully, bring me some, even very small, monetary profits. Yes, sweet old business is in my head, and soon to be on my tongue. 

The second theme is breaking away from familiar habits and pursuits. This might continue to be a challenging goal, but eventually leading me into new territories of wellbeing.

I promise I'll do my very best on having a flexible attitude, and focus on keeping things light. I make a point, as we speak, of having a good time.

I write myself an affirmation which I am going to read every day, for 30 days at least. I hope it will help me to start changing the habits, I hope it will inspire me, and keep me further away from doubts.

Lets go and see what happens.

 

I Am Whole

 

I choose to break free.

I am letting go of everything that doesn't serve me no more.

I am letting go of tension. I am letting go of fear.

I am letting go of sadness. Judgement. Guilt. Shame. And self-loathing.

I say goodbye to all limiting beliefs and strains.

I cut the chords...

I am letting all go and I am at ease.

 

It's peaceful and pleasant within.

 

I have the Universal right to choose the direction of my life and I take this opportunity.

I am moving forward with trust and joy, knowing great future awaits me. 

Life belongs to Me.

 

My energy is perfectly balanced.

I am on best terms with life.

I am open to new experiences.

I am receptive of goodness.

I am able to attract fullness.

Everything life offers I accept with grace and joy.

I am an incarnated love and beauty.

 

I look at the world with Love.

I send and receive Love.

I create life as I want it to happen for me.

I choose to see my own beauty and greatness

magnificence

my own majesty

splendour

 

I open my heart and sing joys of Love:

I am safe.

I am free.

I am perfect.

I have plenty.

I am healthy.

I feel Love.

I have time for everything and everyone.

Every day I generate fresh energy.

I radiate youth, grounded and powerful.

 

I follow my dream.

I achieve the best.

I am abundant on all levels.

I am a millionaire.

 

This is done, and so be it.

I am grateful.

 

 

author unknown

author unknown

7.

Sweet High

 

'The thing about love is that we come alive in bodies not our own' Madam feeds me a spoon of Samuel Beckett's insights this afternoon.

'I am much grateful for being able to love bare essence and energy of another person without their story or drama attached to them. It's lovely to allow that unconditional love pour out of the heart and flow around my body. How healing is that, and how orgasmic it feels' she continues, and I guess she's talking about her clients here, uplifted after an enlightened session perhaps. Madam is far advanced in this feeling. It's nothing but pure privilege to experience her unconditional love, for many of us.

'My love, you're worth it all' I treat Madam with the quote from the Bible, by Matthew and Luke, knowing that that Holy Moly inside her will greatly appreciate that.

'Well, that's the ultimate, isn't it' she replies.

'No doubt. All is way to love, no matter how many packets of cigarettes I must overstep' I laugh.

'These stories of hours... only us get to write the endings, right?' she leaves me pondering that night...

 

This way we get inspired, motivated, justified.

 


You are loved more than you'll ever understand.

 

author unknown

author unknown

6.

(... from the addiction diaries)

 

Faithful and Meaningful Nights

 

'Have you ever wanted to have a drink after you stopped drinking?' I asked my sister, former alcoholic, sober for the last 12 years.

'No' she replied.

'How very strange... So what did you do in a moment you felt vulnerable? I think most of the addicts have their addiction as a comfort zone where they tend to return to fill the gap between the light and the dark, or whatever you want to call the place' I share my thoughts with her, hoping for a new insight. 

'In a moment I felt weak - I prayed. I also made notes in my diary of the powerful words and quotes that I took from the self-help books I was reading. And I read and re-read them every time I felt in doubt, and each time they made me feel better.'

'And what was the main reason for you to stop drinking in a first place?' I beg her to tell.

'I wanted a different life. The drink started to interfere with my work; I understood that was red warning sign.'

'Have you ever tried to stop drinking before that? Or was it that you've made it from the first attempt?'

'I made it from the first time. I'll tell you what highly inspired me to do that. 

My younger daughter got seriously sick that time. For three days she was unconscious in a hospital, with baby in her womb, the age of just sixteen. The doctors worried for both lives, and I got very scared. I didn't know what to do, so I went to the church, and I prayed to Virgin Mary begging for help. I made a deal with God that night. I've promised him I'll give up the drink if he will save both of them. On the next day my baby girl opened her eyes. The doctors said that the baby also survived...' we both cried.

I get it. My sister made a Sacrifice. 

 

It's a strong word, Sacrifice. I come around it over and over again when dealing with my nicotine addiction.

'Don't waste your precious time thinking and re-thinking when and why your addiction started and how it progressed through the years. Just get rid of it, be wise. If you're honestly looking for a change - Sacrifice - for a New Life' motivating thoughts run a marathon in my head. But I went through this scenario before, many times. It doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel a total loser when after week's or two break I smoke a cigarette again. And so I smoke even more. 

'Ah, stop, will ya!' is sick of hearing the same story my friend. 'Change the record. It's all about the song you choose to play. You can identify yourself with one song, but you can identify yourself with another just the same. You can run your addiction story under the spotlight, or you can run it in the background, until the day it'll lose its importance and you'll give up smoking for good. You see yourself as hopeless addict before you see everything else that you are: beautiful, smart and brave woman, a great friend, warm-hearted artist, loyal servant of the public. Jeasus, girl, give yourself a break! It's all about the way you think. You identify with your thought and that's how you create this psychological drama. Try to connect to a different self-picture. You are much more than this story of yours' she talks with passion, and I kind'da hear her this time.

 

'Yes yes, that's it baby, you lay off Briga because she is so much more than this story of yours' later that night repeats same Madam. She is delighted to hear I am considering taking my feet out of the old drama. In fairness, she's been telling me to do that for years.

So I'll try to change the record. I'll try to train my mind to think the other way. I'll try to see those cool things that I am, first, and the cigarettes stay in the background, if I must still smoke, let it be, it won't last forever, I believe. 

I wonder would that approach work. 

I might also write a personal prayer containing the powerful words and quotes...

 


Ever tried, ever failed, no matter, try again, fail again, fail better.

-Samuel Beckett

 

author unknown

author unknown

5.

Ambient Intelligence

 

'So what do you do in Ireland?' asked me 9 years old boy, Niall, the son of my cousin. 'I mean, apart working' he added in a lower tone.

Makes you stop and think for a second, doesn't it? Do we talk too much about work, or do we talk too little about things they are interested in? Kids are wise. Way wiser than we give them credits for. I should have listen to Niall when he told me we're taking the wrong turn. As a result, we got lost in town I thought I knew very well. We had to take a shortcut through the mud, to get to the place we were going to. We both wore new shoes; though only I worried they'll get ruined.

'Do you prefer living in a city, or countryside?' Niall asked me as we walked. 

'City in the winter, countryside in the summertime' I replied. He smiled.

'How about you?'

'Countryside' he said without a doubt, this city boy.

'How come?'

'There is no traffic there. It's quiet. And it's vast...'

 

A few days later I asked same question another two family children: one younger, one slightly older than Niall. They replied identically. Both used the word 'vast'. 'Incredible' I thought, and added 'vast' onto the list of my favourite words...

 


There is Christmas tree in every room in my auntie's house. She even has one in the kitchen! I smile thinking we all overdo it when it comes to Christmas season style...

I get to sleep in my god-daughter's room, where plastic stars twinkle on the ceiling all night...

 


And the aura of you remains, remains, remains...

-Anne Sexton, from 'A Self-portrait in Letters'

 

Somewhere in Poland. Anna Stryzewska, 2017

Somewhere in Poland. Anna Stryzewska, 2017

4.

Two way blow

 

Beside a supermarket a man asks me for a cigarette. I light one for him. He inhales menthol smoke and says angrily:

'These people! They don't understand! They just don't get it, you know.'

I don't know what he's talking about, but I reply:

'I think they do understand. But perhaps in a different way, not yours.'

He says nothing. I say nothing. We just stand beside the supermarket and smoke. I watch the rain. He watches me. Then he says that I'm a 'top class Lithuanian' and leaves way unknown. I walk home to make my mother Baileys coffee...

 


Remember, that you are the source of what you seek. You are the freedom, you are the goodness, you are the wisdom, you are the worthiness, you are the love and the presence. All the self-limiting ideas are just that - ideas. And they all can be re-evaluated and discarded in favour of the timeless presence of your being.

-Adyashanti

 

Briga Saulė, a top class Lithuanian, hehe  Courtesy of INGLĖ Photography, 2017

Briga Saulė, a top class Lithuanian, hehe
Courtesy of INGLĖ Photography, 2017

3.

Come. We love thee.

 

On the plane I watch white clouds imagining they are mountains of snow...

I flick through the pages of Elle magazine that is full of festive decorated interiors, some look impressively organic. From my big white Aran handbag I take out a mini bottle of Baileys and pour half into the coffee stewardess just brought me. Remixes of Norah Jones are playing in my headphones, and as I paint my nails red, all feels like one lovely dream dripping in festive gold. And snow. And Love for the world.

 

I often think about the power I am generating these days. It's vigorous and steady, open and peaceful energy that I consciously radiate in all directions. And it seems like I'm doing a pretty good job, as it attracts joy, warmth, interesting encounters and money my way like a magnet. It cleared off my mind from a 'mental fog'; now it stretches my back as I walk. It helps me to release tension from the facial muscles, for the glow could come through and settle in the wrinkles around my eyes.

This powerful energy gives me an experience of 'quality being' again. A strong sense of 'maturity' perhaps, as I feel really bothered about the things that do not benefit me anymore. 

I am making a step further with each day, coming closer and closer to something big I have invited into my life. I don't know exactly what that is, yet, but I clearly sense its beginning and this idea delights me.  Must be the right time and the right place so. Or the right state of mind. Must be Christmas. And the promise that everything is, and always will be, just right. Must be the green light. Must be because of all the good that I've done...

 

I touch snowflakes on the plane's window making a wish with each. I pretend melting them down with my warm fingers, and imagine I already have everything I am wishing here for. With this mindset I am coming back home for Christmas. It's been 15 years since the same occasion last...

 


Let nothing come between you and the light.

-Henry David Thoreau

 

Briga Saulė, 2017

Briga Saulė, 2017

2.

Calm with me

 

Karl is German. The other evening we decided to chat on Skype. Give me 5 minutes, I said, having in mind prior to put the washing on, visit a bathroom and make a cup of tea, you know yourself. After exactly 5 minutes he calls me. I didn't had a chance to lift my butt from the chair yet, so in my mind I'm like: 'Man, seriously? Chill out.' But Karl reminds me he is German, and what that means they are very precise with time, those mainlanders. I am sorry but you'll have to wait, honey, as I am from Ireland, and that is not exactly how we operate; unless we talk business - these would be the only times when my time-conscious Eastern European side comes out on stage.

'Ah, those Germans!' comments a friend of mine who drives a taxi: 'One of them knocked on my car's window the other night, as I was parked next to a bus stop. He was pointing to the time board asking me where the bus is, saying it's supposed to be here 10 minutes ago.'

'Don't mind this, it's just a board. Should be here soon, the bus' my friend replied. The German fella couldn't understand how this is possible. 

'Americans are similar' ads my friend and mimics them: 'I ordered a Taxi for 5 o'clock...'  No, they don't know that 10 minutes past 5 IS 5 here, they go on: 'But I ordered a Taxi for 5 o'clock...' Old-school Irish find hard to understand this, too.

 

Most of the things in Ireland still don't start at an agreed hour. People are never in a rush for the meetings, and rarely on time to start work. Unless you work in An Post or McDonald's - you open up on time. But our planes are still late, and the busses do not show up time from time. But if you'll complain, most Irish will laugh at you, or worse, they'll tell you 'to get a life', and so, big possibility is, you'll be left even more annoyed. So why bother? You'll be better off accepting this as 'a local culture' and switch to a lower gear yourself. If you'll manage to do that, you'll step into a new level of freedom, trust me, no matter how ridiculous it might sound to you right now. Boy.

'Have you ever heard the song called 'Are You Right There Michael?'' asks my friend and as I respond negatively delighted he tells me the story. This song was written over a hundred years ago by the Irish musician with the strange name - French, parodying the state of the West Clare Railway in rural county Clare. Because of the slow train and the decision of the driver to stop for no apparent reason, French, though having left Sligo in the early morning, arrived so late for 8pm recital that the audience have left. This song caused considerable embarrassment to the rail company, which was mocked in music halls in Ireland and Britain because of the song. So the West Clare Railway took a legal action against French, they took him to court. It is said that when French arrived late for the hearing, the judge asked him to explain his lateness. French responded: 'Your Honour, I traveled with the West Clare railway', resulting in the case being thrown out. Here you go.

'But why are you Irish like that? Why it is okay for you to be constantly late?' I ask the same friend, Irish, from County West Mayo. 

'I suppose it comes from the times when nothing much was happening in Ireland: when people had no land, no work. There wasn't a big difference if the mass started at 6 or half 6, as no one had much to do neither before nor after the mass anyway. Irish Famine times perhaps... But now there are different times. Ireland has changed. Being late annoys many, but that is purely a habit of ours, and the old habits die hard' he replied. 

 

Nowadays more and more often you see a sign SHARP beside the hour of an event. 7pm SHARP, like. Sure some will be late, but more than half Irish people will be there on time. 

Give credits, for Irish are learning.

 


There are those who reckon that 90% of our problems would disappear if we simply Relax.

 

author unknown

author unknown

1.

 

for you to see beauty here

does not mean

there is beauty in me

it means there is beauty rooted

so deep within you

you can't help but

see it everywhere

 

 

-milk and honey

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